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"God, please help me or I will die" and He did.
God gave me the Gift of Faith
Art by Deborah Moen |
12 Steps ~ Part 2
And out of my mouth came " Dear God please help me or I will die." I wanted to live but didn't know how. Everything I tried was useless. Approaching my problem with the same information tumbling around in my mind, would never be a solution. I needed help. I was in an abusive marriage.
It is very human to do the same things over and over again and expecting different results. It is like banging your head against a door over and over. My dad had a saying, " Does that hurt? Don't do that!" But these episodes oddly enough become familiar and more comfortable than change.
After all, think of it. Who would you be if your were that safe, peaceful happy person with no more worry? This could be a very scary thought. Who would I be then? Lions and and tigers and bears....oh my! And I repeated my mistakes over and over again even though it was progressively more painful. I just kept getting up and dusting myself off and trying again.
The time came when the dust no longer brushed off. Stress took it's toll on my body and mind. My head was being bashed against walls and car windows as I tried to escape. My safety was threatened on a daily basis, but now, it was worse. I had lost control of my nervous system and when my husband approached me I would go into convulsions from fear. The light of life within me grew dim.
One day I thought I would again try to make everything clean and perfect. Mowed the lawn, cleaned the house and had something special for the husband to eat before he went out to party. I looked really nice too. I wore my favorite light green shirt and black stretch pants. I had everything finished and decided to take a walk. My walk extended farther than usual and I found myself inside the expanse of the high school field. My eyes lifted and gazed at the blue sky and white clouds. Then, all of a sudden, as if someone pushed me from behind, I felt compelled to uttered the words, "Dear God, please help me or I will die". It surprised me and I looked around to see if anyone was there. This was the pivotal moment when I asked for help.
That moment on I felt strength not ordinarily my own. 20 years I had been living in fear and in the pain of abusive attacks. That night I saw clearer than I ever did concerning my situation. God had given me the Gift of Faith.
As I stood in the kitchen that night, there was an amber light shining on me from the north facing window and again I was fortified with clarity. That night, during a usually scolding, I saw that I would never change my husband, only myself. it was such a relief and this truth gave me protection from being harmed.
That night I gathered my things and left that marriage forever. I stayed in a Best Western and I just seemed to know it was going to be all right. Every thing I needed for my comfort came along, a home, friends, and even guidance from counselors.
My husband sought help from AA via a hospital and I was invited as a family member to attend. I agreed because in my mind I wanted to get my husband well. I had no idea I had was part of the problem. I even attended AA meetings to learn more. Later I attended a few Al-Anon & Codependents Anonymous meetings and bought and read the book by Melody Beattie Codependent No More I also bought her book The Language of Letting Go I carried that book with me and it taught all about how to handle my emotions. The corners of the pages turned dog eared after a while.
A miracle is a change in perception. ~ A Course In Miracles
Looking back I feel moved to draw pictures, write poetry and marvel at the miracle of how it all came about that morning and how I was ready to ask for help. Help arrived. Everything I needed showed up and it has been that way ever since.
That was 31 years ago. If you would like to read 12 Steps Part 1&2 here are the links:
Running Free Encouraging Greeting Card
A painting of a person running free after breaking through a brick wall is a metaphor for feeling the freedom of overcoming a difficult task or situation. You can use your own woods for this card to suit your situation.
Take My Heart Folded Greeting Card
Colorful design of a young man giving a big red heart to a lady. Inside the card are small hearts and text that reads "Take my heart I am yours". Personalize this card with your own message option available.
Be Calm In The Storm Encouraging Greeting Card
A painting of person in a boat on a rough stormy sea with choppy waves headed towards the bright sun shining over the shore. Message inside reads: Be calm in the storm. Inside text "Have faith, row gently and you will safely reach the shore". Personalize this card if you like.
Wild -Self Shamanic Greeting Card
A woman stand high on a plateau with a rainbow arching overhead, beating the drum which express her real self. Coyotes exchange vibration below on the path as a raven flies by. Inscription inside quote by Deborah Moon Moen: The beauty of you is waiting to be discovered. You were always wild and free; full of love and life. On the first leaf of the card is a hand painted image of a drum inscribed below the drum: Listen to your heart. Customize this card with your own message.
Believe Inspirational Greeting Card
Inside this card " Believe in your dreams, they do come true"
